It was back to work for me today and it didn’t go well! I woke up feeling pretty crappy, again! I got completely ready for work then started having a panic attack whilst trying to leave the house. I took a Diazepam. I didn’t know what else to do because in that moment, amongst the panic in my mind, I couldn’t remember any of the CBT techniques I had learned in the past. I did manage to leave the house eventually, but I couldn’t stop hyperventilating and I had the shakes pretty bad too.
I probably should of rang in sick, but I didn’t because that would of been a logical decision and I was making none of them at that time. I stopped off and lent against a brick wall for while to help me, as I had started feeling quite dizzy. I eventually gave in and found somewhere to sit down and had a big old cry behind my sunglasses. I was now late for work, but managed somehow to let my boss know. When I eventually made it in to work, she was amazingly understanding and took me for a coffee and a chat.
I went back to work after, still feeling quite shit but not as bad as before. About 45 minutes later, I started having the mother of all panic attacks and at one point it was so bad I felt the need to hide in the corner under a desk.
My mouth was so dry and the lipstick I’d picked to wear today was of the liquid verity (big mistake, big! Huge! But it was for the challenge… and a challenge it was! We all know how drying liquid lipsticks can be, and this one is no exception!
As it happens, today’s challenge pick was…
It had held up quite well, considering. That is until I had another crying episode whilst hiding under the desk. I noticed so much red on my soaked tissue that I thought for a second I had panicked myself a nose bleed, but no, it was just the remnants of my lipstick. My boss called my mum to pick me up (as my boyfriend whom I live with was away working). I finally managed to crawl out from underneath the desk.
As soon as I got home, I ate, because my panic attacks make me so hungry. I always think this is weird, because when I’m really anxious I can’t eat a thing. When I didn’t feel much better after food, I decided to take some new medication that I had previously been prescribed to help with my sleep – Mirtazapine. The first time I had taken it, it had made me feel dopey the next day so I had stopped using it. But I really needed it now, and it worked wonders.
I had stopped caring how it was going to make me feel tomorrow, I just needed my brain to shut off for a while. I also spoke to ‘Let’s Talk’, a community mental health service in my area, at some point but its all a bit a blur now! I do know that the person I spoke to said they’d put me on a waiting list for some more CBT therapy but it could take up to 6 month before I actually get it. SAD FACE!
Anyway, back to the lipstick! Overall, on a normal day Rioja Red is a beautiful liquid lipstick, not the best or worst in the dryness department but one of the best for colour. Rioja Red is not unlike Rio Rio in colour on me but its much more of a mattifying matte, if ya catch my drift?! And, as you already know, a liquid lipstick. I haven’t been put off wearing it again, even after the bag-of-shite day that I’d just had!